In my last post, I wrote about the Anti-Racism Spiritual Discipline that I committed to trying for 2024. I have completed my first application of that discipline and part of my commitment is to write about it here.

The event I focused on was the death of Manny Ellis (pictured above) at the hands of Tacoma Police. Manny was killed in early 2020 just before George Floyd was killed by police in the Minneapolis area.

Manny was taser’d a number of times, and an officer knelt on his neck while Manny cried out, “I can’t breathe.” It was frightening similar to George Floyd’s death, but it happened here, in Washington.

The three primary officers involved (pictured above) were acquitted by the courts and later given severance packages as part of an agreement for them to leave the police force.

The first step of my discipline was to read numerous articles and reports about Manny’s death. The goal was to not let myself turn away, to not use all my built in shields to insulate me from the pain of what happened. I found this much harder than expected. I could read the article, I could pray for all those involved. And, for the most part, I could still go about my day almost as though it all happened to someone else and far away. But if we let racist violence go on as something that happens to someone else far away, it will never end. I have become so practiced at putting up shields, at protecting myself from pain, that even when I want to feel the pain of another, my body and mind can find ways to protect me. So, I guess that’s the reason to keep working on this discipline.

I also found my commitment to pray for all these people challenging. The easiest to pray for was Manny and his family. The hardest were the three police officers. I prayed that all might know God’s love. I prayed that God might work in the hearts of all involved. I prayed for justice, in whatever way God might choose to enact justice. But if I am completely honest with myself (and you) when I prayed for Manny I felt pity and sympathy and sorrow. When I prayed for the police officers I felt, well, I felt anger…along with sorrow, and some degree of sympathy for whatever caused them to have such fear that they had to violently kill an unarmed man. Is anger really a place from which to start prayer? Perhaps, if we read the Psalms closely, it is indeed a place from which to start prayer. If nothing else, this spiritual discipline may change the way I understand the Psalms, especially the angry ones.

Another part of my discipline is to send a donation to a charity that is working to end the type of violence I have been considering. So this week, I sent a check to the Washington Coalition for Police Accountability along with an explanation of my spiritual discipline.

Finally, I committed to blog about this experience and now you have read that blog. I definitely am not done learning yet. But yes, I am learning. I am learning about my seemingly unstoppable ability to look away, even when I am trying hard not to. But I am also learning that grace, mercy, forgiveness, and justice only seem easy from a distance, and the closer we get to a situation the harder it is. But get close we must. Bust down our walls we must. Pray and learn and grow we must. Even when it is hard. Even when it hurts.

Because it never hurts us as much as the ones we are praying for.

I will continue my discipline because I need to continue to learn, to grow, to become, in whatever little way I can, more like Jesus. And that’s a good, good thing. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

God bless you,
Coe